My husband had oral sex with a man after joining a cross-dressing swingers website

I feel guilty for leaving him when he has gender issues, and am lonely without him, despite his lies. What should I do?

A year ago, I started spending one day a week away from home, sharing the responsibility for caring for my elderly dad with the rest of my family. While I was away, my husband (we are both 50) created a profile on a cross-dressing swingers website, advertising casual sex on the day I was at my dad’s. I found out he had a guy round to our house and he gave oral sex – but says he felt pressured and it was a mistake.

I moved out, and our house is for sale, though I stay there two days a week in the spare bedroom because of work, and he wants me to keep doing so even when he gets his own place, as he says he can’t imagine not seeing me. We still get on really well and I can’t be angry with him. I appreciate that most cross-dressers aren’t gay, but I don’t want to be with a liar who likes to dress up in women’s clothes and prefers internet sex. I also resent that I have given him – and thrown away – the past five years. Yet I feel bereft and lonely without him, even though I have lots of friends and family around me. I wonder if I have done the right thing and, if not, why am I feeling so sad? I also feel in some way guilty that I have failed a person I love when they have gender issues, too, and I really worry about him.

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